Catastrophic Failure

While trying to import some pictures I received the above error and thought about just walking away from all working today. Somehow all of my projects have deadlines within a week of each other and I am overwhelmed by it, the kind of overwhelmed that makes you want to throw in the towel and just walk away. It’s almost too daunting to tackle. I’m sure it has more to do with my mindset than the actual tasks, oh and my crazy need for perfection.

Speaking of character traits that are wild and out of control, did you know that I can completely obsess over why someone does not want to be my friend. Yes, I am an eight year old. There is this whole story about how this person who runs in similar circles as me has been less than warm toward me and I can’t really give you details about it because, frankly, some of you know said person and, as I neurotically mentioned, I am wanting to be this person’s friend.

So, this week there was a whole heap load of strangeness where it was absolutely confirmed to me that they do not like me. They do not like me one bit. And I know this should not bother me. I know plenty of people who do not like me and their lack of friendship does not ruffle my feathers in the slightest. But here I am, stuck in a rut of trying to figure out what I’ve done to turn them sour.

Usually, if someone doesn’t like me, I know why. It’s typically pretty easy to figure out. Like this one girl one time told me that she’d been talking behind my back and she was sorry. I was shocked that she shared that with me, but not surprised that she’d been doing it. We were in high school and I’d stolen her boyfriend six months earlier and then dumped him after about a month because he was really needy and I didn’t have time for all that mess. I think they’d been dating for like a year or something. I know. I know, but that’s a legitimate reason not to like someone. Or there are the people with whom I do not want to be friends, for a host of reasons, like they are too crazy or too dirty or they talk about things I don’t want to listen to or they are not very smart. See, these people don’t like me because I don’t want them to. I don’t attempt to be their friend and I don’t really put much stock in how they feel about me.

But here I am now. There is this person, let’s call them Joey, who is so cold to me that I can feel the ice from half a city away and I do not know why. Maybe I am too crazy or too dirty or talk about things Joey doesn’t want to hear, or maybe Joey thinks I am not smart enough. And all of these things are very possible. But I want to know which one it is. I want them to tell me why they would jump through fire to not have to be in my presence. I want them to say what is so offensive about my personality. I know that the knowledge would probably hurt. I know that it would be uncomfortable and that later, in the solitude of the shower or perhaps while lying in bed and recounting the story for Jud, I would probably burst into tears, but I have this deep longing to know The Why.

I’m sure I’ll never know. Joey isn’t the kind of person I can just walk up to and say “I know you don’t like me, but I don’t know why. Want to tell me?” I think Joey would be all “Wha? Who said I don’t like you?” and then I’d have to be all “no one said it. I just know. So tell me.” Then, quite possibly, Joey would feign shock and insist that there is nothing there. That the ice I feel is really a rainbow of love and purple unicorns of friendship and that I am so wrong about it all. But I know. I know that it is real. I just will have to get over not knowing why.