Caution, Meet the Wind

Although that helpful little section over there on the right blames all of my absence on the fact that I was busy, I’m sure you know that there was more to that story.  The more is wrapped up in a bunch of things, not the least of which has to do with how much of myself to put out on the internet.

In its most basic form, it goes something like “Don’t talk about defecation but poop isn’t necessarily off limits.”  See?  It’s murky.

Regardless, I got all kinds of bound up over the idea of how people interpret me.  Not just on this website, but also in real life.  I can point to instances where my mouth has injured, isolated or completely ruined my relationship with others. I’m just not very good at maintaining relationships with people (and you know I mean women).  I either say something off the cuff that runs so contrary to how normal people communicate (read: with concern for feeling) or I have, in the distant past, just told people to keep it.  That last part can be chalked up to immaturity and the inability to see past my current situation.  The first one though?  That is the one that still plagues me.

FOR INSTANCE

Not that long ago I stood in a hall way with two other women, talking about something that is going to happen and why it had not happened already. One of the women said something about the idea and after listening to her statement, I said “No. You’re wrong.”  The third woman was absolutely shocked.  She got wide eyed and called me out like “Whoa!  That’s kind of harsh!”

And I blinked and looked quizzical because I didn’t even know what I had done. I thought the woman was wrong, so I said she was wrong.  But that isn’t how women talk to each other. Women are supposed to qualify things and keep things pleasant and calm and all of that. That kind of talking doesn’t ever occur to me.

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I realize you can’t just chalk stuff up to “that’s not how I work” and then expect other people to just deal with your rudeness, but I also know that in some ways, I am going to keep saying things succinctly and concisely and bluntly because beating around the bush is often completely ineffective.

Jud appreciates the cut through the nonsense ability I wield, but even with him I can often forget that he has emotions about the things I am saying and the way in which I am saying them.  So, obviously, I am aware that I need to change and, at the same time, I am aware that this can be an asset in the right contexts.

And this blog is a context that I wasn’t sure about. Was it causing people to see me as a caricature of my real self?  Was it even a representation of the actual way in which I live?  Was it worth worrying about another place where people might find me abrasive and my hyperbole annoying?

I think it is.  It took me a while to get here, but I think it is worth it.  You might not agree with me, but you can just stop reading.  I think that is a pretty good trade.