Heute ist Samstag, der sieben und zwanzigsten August.
Today is Saturday, the twenty seventh of August.
We had a friend’s family stay with us last night and then they were off around noonish today. I made a rub for Jud’s chicken legs and he grilled them on our little camping grill that he sets up on the front porch. It’s funny how grilling brings people together, even when the grill is ity-bity.
Jud met the neighbor right next door, Michael. He has a figurine of the Alien from the Alien movies in his kitchen window and usually keeps to himself. He has dark hair that is kind of spiky and in general reminded me of my brother, so now it is ironic that he has the same name. Jud also met one of the girls who go to DTS that live in our building. She was wearing a Backpacker magazine shirt and seemed in general to be the kind of person we’d hang out with. She lives with another girl who is also starting at DTS.
Tomorrow is Sunday again. The day that used to both fill me with expectation and usually a bit of stress. Now they are marked by neither. I have no excitement to see people who I love because I don’t see them anymore and I have no stress because nothing is expected of me. Four weeks have passed since I last walked through the doors of CBC and I can’t tell you how much I miss my family. All day I’ve thought about the kids and how excited they must be to be preparing for the musical tonight. I cried when I thought about Austin singing and doing choreography on the stage and not being able to hug him and tell him how proud I am of him. I’m sure the whole thing will go well, especially since they have been rehearsing so hard and for so long. I’ll bet that Overkamp kid knocks the socks off everyone with his rap. He’s a natural. Hopefully we’ll get a copy of the performance to watch.
I haven’t felt well today… numbness on my left side, headache on the right, splotchy vision and super tired. It’s happened before, usually when I’m crazy stressed, but I didn’t think I was feeling incredibly stressed out today. There is a general feeling of not completely letting all of the air out of my lungs when I breathe that reminds me of my nervousness about life that I bury out of sight. Everyone says things like ‘it’s all going to be fine’ but really, we all know that there’s no guarantee of that. Things aren’t always fine because bad things happen every day and we’re not given any assurances about anything. Maybe that’s freeing to some people. You don’t have to worry about any of it because you’re not in control anyway, so why expend any energy over that which you can’t dictate. But for those of us who suffer from the Type-A desires to keep our desks neatly organized, our furniture in place and our lives running on wonderful little clocks, it’s nerve racking. Maybe all those little whispers in the back of my skull that I keep trying to silence are demanding I pay attention by numbing my arm and face. “Hey, can you hear us? We are scared and we are uncertain of what to do here. PAY ATTENTION TO US! WE DESERVE SOME ATTENTION!!” I would pay attention, but it would make the fears real and give power to the thought of not being in control, something I just can’t admit to yet. Maybe tomorrow.
-k
