Citation #1: Popcorn – You CANNOT under ANY circumstances make popcorn at work. It is the most infiltrating of all the microwavable foods (except for that one foreign lady’s onion/vinegar concoctions, but she’s been out of the country for a while, so I’m gonna let her slide for right now). Yesterday’s making of popcorn was then exacerbated when you retrieved the bag from the microwave and then started that incessant shaking of the bag, to get “the good stuff” all over the freshly popped kernels I’m sure, all the way back to your cube and then passed your cube and went to someone else’s (still shaking the darned thing) to discuss work. No one wants to discuss anything for real with you when you are eating, let alone when you are shaking that stupid bag over and over again. Enough already!
Citation #2: Music is a new addition to your cube hazards. Since about 6:40 this morning I have had to listen to both Blues Traveler and Kelly Clarkson repeatedly. I believe this is what caused the Branch Davidians to light their compound on fire and so help me I to will do whatever is necessary to MAKE IT STOP.
Citation #3: Speaking to anybody else about the phone conversation that just ended of which you were not a participant. Even though we are not high enough in this corporate gene pool to have official walls and doors and such, we must, for the sake of all that is good and right, pretend as if we do. You must act like you cannot even hear the words coming out of my mouth. This applies to everyone’s mouth and not just mine. You are not on the call. They do not want your input, unless they ask for it, and to date, no one has. So, please, just keep it to yourself.
Citation #4: Reading your to do list out loud. We all have things to do. We are currently doing them. We are not currently huffing and puffing like they are unreasonable requests because, while not fun or mind engaging in any stimulating sort of way, this is officially why we are here. We get things done. People will call and ask us to get more things done than we knew we would have to do at the beginning of the day. That is how working works.
Citation #5: The falsetto phone voice. I have a phone voice too and it is slightly higher than my usually sarcasm filled tones, but, so help me they would never make a cat screech or force a garage door to open. Be polite and all of that but don’t be ridiculous. You shouldn’t sound like a little child on the phone. You are a thirty three year old woman!
Citation #6: Please, please stop talking in slang that everyone knows you do not typically use when speaking to people of a darker skin tone. You clearly do not go around saying things like “Guuurl” or “I love me some [insert various food items here]” except when you are trying to fit in with people that you believe speak in ignorance. It’s really uncomfortable for the rest of us fair skinned folks.
Citation #7: Never call out anyone else’s weight loss strategies in large groups when said person has never discussed their program with you, ever. This not only confirms your eavesdropping (see citation #3) but forces people who are much more private than you into public scrutiny, which was not their purpose in beginning the weight loss program. However, that may have been your purpose in joining the program. Even so, could you please cut down on the references to your meal program during the day given that you are not being really honest about any of it anyway (i.e. The constant proclamation of things you can no longer eat. You absolutely can have a donut, it’s just that you will have to give up eating something else later, but it is still your choice to not eat it. A choice I respect, but a choice that is yours to make. You are not forbidden anything. That’s not how the plan works, but I’m not on it so I will stop now).
Citation #8: Do not proclaim the job of cleaning up data “Done” until the data has been completely cleaned up. It makes the rest of testy when we almost immediately find lots of errors. It’s sort of how that whole Mission Accomplished sign made people’s blood boil because they thought that what was being communicated was “It’s over!” but what was really being communicated was “This one specific part of the project has been completed and we want to celebrate that first step!”. Yeah, same thing.
