It Has Nothing to Do With That

Posted by on Jul 14, 2006 in Uncategorized | 0 comments

I’ve been experiencing an odd shift in eating. See if you can spot the difference.

Sandwich Ingredients Before

Good bread.
This is a must if you are going to really enjoy an anti-Terror treat. Nothing soggy or overly crusty because Uncle Sam does not believe in sogginess or mouth pain induced cursing.

Swiss cheese.
Okay, so it’s not quite apple pie in terms of patriotism, but if there is one reason to bomb the US of A it is the terrible cheese labeled “American”, or, even worse, the dreaded Velveeta, which is so far from cheese that it doesn’t require refrigeration prior to opening, but still seems to turn up mysteriously in queso and other various snacks at all-American gatherings. It may actually be the most American of the cheeses if for no other reason than that it is so large and quivery. (Back to the sandwich cheese) You need something with distinct flavor and maybe a bit of a bite, so if I don’t have something else that’s nice and sharp like Swiss, I abandon the whole process. You can do as you wish because this is not an instructional guide or anything; just a way for you to observe the subtle shift that has occurred.

Various meats.
Ham, Turkey, Chicken, Pepperoni, Salami, Pastrami, (Never ever Bologna and I don’t even need to tell you why), Roast Beef, Bacon, etc. Be careful not to add a disproportionate amount of meat because then the cheese will have no affect and who wants to only taste the meat? That’s sort of missing the point of the sandwich. My cousin used to work for this Deli and they had pretty good sandwiches except once I asked her to bring me home a club sandwich and it was so packed with ham and turkey that I couldn’t even take a bite and get both pieces of bread in my mouth. That is beyond the allowable amount for Kim’s proper sandwich making. So, I won’t give you a strict numbering system by which to abide. Just follow your conscience.

I could stop with just the meat and the cheese and the bread, and I frequently do, but sometimes I would go a bit further…

Things that Make the Sandwich Fancy

Frying/Grilling
I like hot sandwiches and so sometimes I lightly butter the outside sections of the bread and wait for the cheese to look good and melty and then you are ready to eat a hot melty sandwich.

Tomatoes
I do not usually like tomatoes on my sandwich unless I myself have sliced them, very thinly. I rarely trust others to do this for me and NEVER the Subway kids. I have also pulled them off of those Arby’s sandwiches because they are always very thick and the texture of the big juicy tomato mushing up the bread and making the meat slimy is enough to make me throw the sandwich right out the car window (frequent road trips have obviously skewed my thoughts on proper disposal issues. Now that I’ve out-ed my “if it’s food that is easily biodegradable then it absolutely can be chucked out onto the highway” theory, Justin, I ask, Is that still a fine-able offense?).

Lettuce
Never iceberg. Usually romaine or green leaf. Nothing too spicy. Certainly not shredded up iceberg, which is the worst. And one (1) piece is enough. If you need more, than what you actually want is a salad.

Ranch
This is something that was only done in times of emergency and with much attention to the very thinly spread dressing. This stalker girl in college (she wasn’t my stalker, mind you. She just stalked someone I knew and somehow she was still kind of our friend for a while, but when it finally got too nutty, we had to cut the ties) used to bring me sandwiches at work sometimes (Yes, you should think that’s odd because nobody else ever did that. I worked at this pretty stuffy fancy law firm so you couldn’t come and hang out or anything. She just wanted us to like her so much (so that she could learn more about the person she was stalking, I assume) that she was willing to get an ‘in’ anyway she could. Obviously, I was most persuaded by food. Not much has changed) and she was the one who taught me to do this because she couldn’t make a sandwich for me with no (0) condiments. It just seemed really fundamentally wrong (before you agree with her, please remember that she was a little mental and then draw your own conclusion). So, let me say again, that this was a very rare occurrence, unless it was a hamburger, in which case, I love adding the Ranch and that credit is really due Chammps Americana. But I digress.

That’s it. All I wanted in the sandwich world. Perhaps a roasted red pepper from time to time, if I were really doing it up big. But that is all. No onion, mayo, mustard or (the worst sandwich offense of all) pickles. I just don’t do condiments. It’s why, as a child, I only wanted to go to Burger King (you know, so I could have it MY way…plain).

So, that was then.

Now.

(Wait for it…)

SPICY BROWN MUSTARD

*Paula’s jaw drops*

*Rick’s Scooter’s cup falls to the floor*

*Michael’s computer flashes the blue screen of death*

It’s true. I’ve become an adult.

I HEART Spicy Brown Mustard.

On everything.

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