I think I left all of my writing ideas in Amarillo. Since our trip up there I have thought of a million things to tell you and have put a few of those things down in Notepad and then clicked on that little red X and then confirmed that I did not want to save the things I’d written. I did not want to publish them. I did not want to remember them later. They were too sassy or too milk toast and I couldn’t put you through all of that.
But here this is now.
So, which will I be today?
I thought the new look would help spur on my writing, but it didn’t. I like the new design and especially that Jud did it all for me because he can tell that I am in one of those downward sloping slides. I tumble down this way every so often and he just keeps making the bed and being cheerful. It’s not that I’m moping about entirely or that I don’t ever have a good time. I just sort of loose all feeling for a while.
It happens maybe twice a year I’d say. The sun is out and I have things to do but I don’t really care about any of that. I stop calling people and then will call everybody on the same day just so that I can get it over with and not berate myself for not calling anymore. I misplace funny and cannot remember where it went.
And Jud just keeps being steady and good and wonderful. He’s so unchanging and steadfast. You should see his resolve to learn and work. He is at home all day long and he just keeps on watching his classes and writing his papers and memorizing more vocabulary words and clocking in and clocking out and it just sings of his faithfulness.
I go to work and though I am accomplishing plenty and leave with things all tied up nicely in sweet little bows, I know I am not giving myself to it. It’s very slow now and leaves me with time to think about other things than just the next voicemail, which is not something I should complain about. And I’m not trying to sound all whiny and poor me and all of that garbage because it isn’t that way either. It’s just __________.
Which is why today I really wished that I had been a part of this study. Religious experiences. Really? Well, more just totally trippy, but I can see how one might mistake the two.
In lieu of mind-altering medications, we went to the library and I checked out four books. Four books about four different things. Different things equal not watching A&E constantly. Of course, how will I know how to Flip This House or who got caught on Cold Case Files or if that junkie will go to treatment today? But tuning out is just the thing I need to do right now.
Answer: Milk toast.
