Did you know Jud owns a gun? For the past few years it has been living with Jeremy and Justin. Mostly this was because we never remembered it when we were moving our things around Omaha. Recently, it moved to my mom and dad’s house. I don’t want it at my house. Ever. You see, when we were little people, my dad imparted the great truth of “if someone has a gun, run.” This worked wonders for me as a child because that time when the neighbor girl got shot with a bb gun in the butt, I had already made my escape. So, if Jud’s gun makes it to my house, I will have to run away and all my food is in my house along with all my hair products and I don’t know what I will do if the gun throws a party with all of my things because I may have to move out and all of that. So, I asked my mom if it could stay tucked away at her house where it shan’t be found for, I dunno, ever? [For all of you gun lovers out there, please do not attempt to persuade me that guns are good and fine and well adjusted people own guns and all of that because your few words of input will never undo the brain-washing I received from the womb.]
2. My mom had this Louis Vitton bag that she never used because it was too small. I wrote her an email and told her “my would go to EVERYWHERE if you gave me that purse.” [I wrote this to her in terrible English because when I was four we went to the mall in Hawaii and I saw a pink dress that I really wanted and she told me I couldn’t have it because we were there to buy school clothes for Michael and I promised her, with all my three year old heart “my will go to school if you buy me dat dwess.” When she didn’t even offer to let me try it on, I waited for her to get distracted by the little boys jeans and I bolted. I hid behind some men’s pants for a while until a woman found me – arms crossed and lip pouting. So, I told her that she should give me that purse, if she didn’t want me to run away again.
If she’d prefer I run away, she could just send the gun instead.
