the feeling of being alone

Posted by on May 12, 2006 in Uncategorized | 0 comments

I know, I know. We only had him for three days and that’s not very long at all. A few weekends ago when our band friends stayed with us there were four of them and I can only remember the names of three of them. They were here for three days. I certainly didn’t come home and hope any of them would meet me at the door. And the sound of any of their names, doesn’t choke me up (typing his name is just as bad as saying it). Jud mercifully threw out the food that was left in his bowl and took apart the little house today. Now it’s sitting in the corner waiting to go back to Walmart. Then all we will have are pictures.

Jud’s taking his last final exam (I thought about typing final final exam just to be cute, but I spared you), so it’s just me in this place…me and dishes and the television and this handy machine and my books and my Bible study, all of which keep me occupied and interested (well, the dishes don’t keep me interested, but I don’t really want them to). To celebrate the end of his first full year of grad school (and to use some comp time that I’ve been storing up for winter), I took tomorrow off from work (Yeah! for Thursdays that are Fridays and for completing lots of work in small amounts of time).

Work is finally getting to that place where things are slowing a bit. It looks like the price of copper will keep shooting up and so the summer is looking quite busy with requoting and long hours and all. Jud’s summer will be spent doing very similar things as today, school and work and trying to console his wife who wants the things she gives away and despises the things she holds in her hands.

I’m in a Bible study right now with Jenn and Hansy, if you remember, and we are studying Abraham, Isaac and Jacob. Last week focused on Leah and Rachel and the mess Laban creates while scheming against Jacob, who finally meets his match in terms of lying in his father-in-law. One homework day focused on Leah and Rachel struggling for the thing the other had, children and the love of her husband, respectively.

Leah’s struggle is seen through the names of her boys….

Reuben – meaning “See, a Son”
Leah Says – “Now therefore, my husband will love me.
from Beth Moore’s Note: “The statements Leah made are like mirrors reflecting her heart.” Leah thought she’d gained her husbands love because she gave birth to his heir, but it didn’t work.

Simeon – meaning “Heard”
Leah Says – “Because the LORD has heard that I am unloved.”
from Beth Moore’s Note: “In other words, Jacob still didn’t love her, but at least God “heard” and granted her favor.”

Levi – meaning “Attached”
Leah Says – “Now…my husband will become attached to me.”
from Beth Moore’s Note: “At this point she decided that if she couldn’t have Jacob’s love, she’d settle for attachment.”

Judah – meaning “Praise”
Leah Says – “Now I will praise the LORD.”
from Beth Moore’s Note: “Leah finally…progressed to a place where God became the only sense in a senseless spiral and she gave Him praise.”

Here I sit, with nine months of Texas under my belt and I have not quite stopped thinking (obsessing?) about the blessings I had in Omaha (aka the things I no longer possess). I think most often though about the blessings I’m missing out on there…our friends (and their new babies or the babies that have become toddlers), our family, our corporate worship and our comfort. Out of my mouth tumble words that reveal the sad futility of my thinking (‘I wish we were in Omaha right now’ or ‘I can’t believe we missed out on [insert event I would’ve complained about attending ten months ago]’ or the million other ways I’ve reworded the idea that I am discontent with this place and this time (with a dog [stress and anxiety] without a dog [loneliness and sadness] without a child [with empty arms but full pockets] with a child [arms filled and pockets empty] with good paying jobs for both of us [so busy and tired] without a job for one or both [the weight of both on just one back] need I continue?).

God forgive my heart’s longing for the things I do not have! But don’t let me become content with this world and the things that I have here. No friend, no family member, no dog, no job, no thing will ever satisfy me and I don’t want them if they will. Make me long for the Greater, the Bigger, the You. Remind me of these mud pies I make and the sea shore where your Son’s been the General Contractor. Set my hope fully on the grace to be given me when your Son is revealed.

Now, I will praise the Lord.

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